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Can't Hold

Darkness isn't tangible.

Neither is wind.

Or Growth.

Or Spring.

Or Fall.

Or Falling.

Or Moving.

Or Reaching.

I can't hold onto what I do.

I can't hold onto my change. 

I can't hold onto myself.

So I move.

I try to keep up with what I can become.

So I give myself away. 

To friends. To family. To the present. To the future. 

To forever.

Living for them,

Living for Him fulfills me.

Then I become. Every single day.

I can't hold onto myself because I am His to give away.

I know.

I haven't written on here in a long time and I wish I did that more. I hope I'll be better.

Ha.

That last sentence just gets me.

I hope I'll be better.

I feel that everyday.

Every single day when I'm on campus at 7am reviewing Greek terms. Every time I get a terrible test score back. Every time I feel alone and in one of my "funks" that seem to just get me down for days. A hole I can't get out of. 

Then I read about people.

Whether it's blog posts or scriptures or hymns or just feeling their presence through the screen of my computer while they make me laugh while we talk about eternity.

My life is wonderful and it's wonderful because it's hard.

My schedule is full to bursting with to-do's and should-do's and things waiting to be planned.

Then there's the temple.

Then there's the Spirit of the Lord that fills me with light.

LIGHT.

Love.

Illumination.

Godliness.

Hope.

Tenderness.

Teaching.

Humility.

Giving.

Instruction.

Living.

LIGHT.

It doesn't end. 

I have spiritual mountains and plateaus but the difference isn't the light. The difference is me.

I am a finite vessel.
I am a finite broken vessel that I am constantly trying to patch up, repair, change, restore.

I am Kintsukuroi. For He repairs my cracks with gold.

My progress is slow. But I think it is steady.

And I think that is what matters most. 

Constant vigilance. Oh Harry Potter. Teaching me lessons for life. 

We steadily watch. I put one foot in front of the other through my wonderful, challenging life and keep moving forward.

Keep going towards the temple. Towards the eternity that is there and that I have felt in it's walls. 

The temple is a place where I go as a Latter Day Saint to remember where I come from,

why I am here,

where I am going.

I go there to build on a relationship that has been growing from eternity to eternity.

I go there to contemplate the power of having my family forever.

I go and see a glimpse of the joy I'll have very soon in being sealed into my own family.

I love light. 

Now I feel its warmth and how it guards and strengthens my soul.

My Heavenly Father loves me. My Elder Brother Jesus Christ loves me. My Mother loves me. My mom and dad and sisters love me. Caleb loves me. My friends love me. 

My heart is full of light and everything that contains. 

I am happy and eager and impatient. All the signs of being a 22 year old girl/woman/adult/what have you.

I love the Lord. I love the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that my life has been blessed in innumerable ways because of the knowledge I have gained. I know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God. I know it teaches true and everlasting principles of faith, trust, honor, honesty, hope, peace, power, charity, strength, the list is as eternal as the number of times we read and ponder them. I know that Joseph Smith was a true Prophet of God. That he was placed upon the Earth to help bring LIGHT to all nations. To help others see their God and to come unto Him where before they had been wandering in dark paths. I know that Joseph was not perfect because I know that the Lord uses imperfect people every single day to bring about His glorious miracles and other purposes. I know the Lord has a prophet on the Earth today, President Thomas S. Monson as a guide, counselor and helper in helping us know the will of our Father and how we can return to Him. Our Father wants to give us every resource and opportunity to choose Him. We are all finite, broken vessels that the Lord eagerly pours light into and we reflect that light to the world through our cracks. I know that the Atonement of Christ is real. I know that through His ultimate and eternal love and pain, I can be whole. I may have cracks but those are for me to give light to others. To lead them out of their holes because I have been there before and now I can give them a light to see the way by. I know forgiveness is not easy and repentance is even harder. But I know it is possible through Christ to come to know our Father again. Everyday I can be closer to Him and that it is my choice. I know that I came to this Earth to know of the Lord's love. I see that power of love in my family. In my Mom - working, my Dad - building, Caleb - loving, Abby - praying, Isabel - hoping, Olivia - expanding, Kate - encouraging. My aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, friends, acquaintances, strangers - I see the love my Heavenly Father has for them and it overwhelms me. 

How can He love so much?

How can I love so much?

How can I possibly expand to that without bursting?

I know how.

I am eternal. 

I lived with my Father before coming to Earth and I will live with Him when I die if I remain faithful.

I expand with every person that I meet and every trial that I face and every joy I gain.

I am stretched but never torn.

I am bent and never shattered. 

I am bent to His will. 

I know that my will, my commitments, my self, is the only thing I can give to my Father. So I will. 

Everything I am and hope to be I give to my Father because I know that He knows best how to shape me.

He sees my eternal self while I can get stuck in the suddenness of the present. 

I know. He knows. 

I grow and I grow.

I want you to know who you are. I want you to feel the power you have in having the Lord always on your side. 

We all have choices to make.

I know my choices are not always the right ones.

The most heart wrenching part is that I know that the Lord loves his children.

For that is what we are. We are His.

Yet I choose another when I abandon principles and doctrines and teachings that I know are His.

That never ending, never stopping, never ceasing Heart that beats in empathy with ours, breaks and He weeps to see His children--to see YOU wandering in those dark paths without the LIGHT He so eagerly wants for you to have.

How does He weep over you? Why does He weep?

He knows You.

You. The you that was, the you that is, the you that He knows you can be.

Father knows your soul, your heart, your hope, your weakness, your ALL.

Everything. Everything you ever wanted to hide and every time you wished to feel Him close.

All of you is yours to give. 

Giving yourself is not losing anything but gaining everything.

Everything you always hoped to be and wanted to be and worked to be and tried to be. 

Your Father will get you there. Get me there.
Because He loves you. Forever.
You are never alone.

I seem to have gone in lots of directions with this post but I feel the need to share what I know. I know my Father in Heaven is real, power, love, hope, strength, tears, forgiveness, empowerment, eternal.

I know and I testify in the name of Jesus Christ.

Amen.

Now my question to you is, what do you know?