The blog will get used again!

So I decided I'm going to write about our journey with Baby Char and her cancer. More to come.

Gratitude is not giving thanks.

A talk I gave for church this last Sunday. 

I base my talk on President Monson’s talk from the October 2010 General Conference called “The Divine Gift of Gratitude”. It’s a wonderful talk and it was a blessing to have a topic that we celebrate at this time of year. But as I was thinking about it, I know I have been guilty of neglecting gratitude. I have so much—a wonderful husband that encourages and supports me in everything, a warm little house that gets puddles only when it rains but not when it snows, parents and sisters and friends that love me, being at BYU, being in this ward, so many things that I’m not sure if I give the Lord the proper credit How can I express enough thankfulness for these things since I have and the enjoy these blessings everyday? How do I really show my gratitude to the Lord? It’s a problem that is not new and the Savior, our greatest example of selfless service, was confronted with it in the following story President Monson discussed in his talk. It is one we all know as one of the quintessential examples of expressing gratitude within the scriptures. I quote from Luke 17 the following episode from the Savior’s life.

“And as he entered into a certain village, there [he met] ten men that were lepers, which stood afar off:

“And they lifted up their voices, and said, Jesus, Master, have mercy on us.

“And when he saw them, he said unto them, Go shew yourselves unto the priests. And it came to pass, that, as they went, they were cleansed.

“And one of them, when he saw that he was healed, turned back, and with a loud voice glorified God,

“And fell down on his face at his feet, giving him thanks: and he was a Samaritan.

“And Jesus answering said, Were there not ten cleansed? but where are the nine?

“There are not found that returned to give glory to God, save this stranger.

“And he said unto him, Arise, go thy way: thy faith hath made thee whole.” 

President Monson said in discussing this story that "The expressed gratitude by ONE merited the Master’s blessing; the ingratitude shown by the nine, His disappointment. . . Sincerely giving thanks not only helps us recognize our blessings, but it also unlocks the doors of heaven and helps us feel God’s love." I have unquestionably seen this principle in my own life. Towards the beginning of this school year I was feeling overwhelmed. I had 3 papers due that week along with a pile of grading to do for my job along with the normal reading assignments for all of my classes but I couldn’t focus. As soon as I was trying to work on one assignment the worries about my other assignments clouded my mind and my work just wasn’t effective. We had discussed in Relief Society the Sunday previous Elder Uchtdorf’s talk about having an attitude of gratitude from last April conference and I got the impression that I needed to sincerely and with real intent, thank my Heavenly Father for the blessings I already had. If I “recognized” those blessings like President Monson said, then the doors of heaven would be unlocked. So I paused and prayed and told my Heavenly Father how grateful I was to be studying at BYU, to have such interesting classes and professors, to have the atonement as a constant reminder and enabling power to come unto Christ, and many other things that I was thankful for in my life. After that, my mind was focused on what I needed to accomplish and I finished my work much quicker then I would have which was a wonderful blessing from Heaven. 

One of the most prevalent reasons we so often forgo expressing gratitude in the first place, whether to our Heavenly Father or the people around us, is that we feel like those we are thanking know it already. They know how much we appreciate their sacrifice on our behalf, how much their work gives a renewed understanding of their love for us and since we assume they understand the value of their work, we are more than happy to just enjoy their wonderful accomplishments. The most dangerous word in that sentence is just. Every single one of us are living our lives and in doing so, we end up gliding past others who need us as much as we need them, to understand each of our places in the Lord’s plan. President Monson quoted the English author Aldous Huxley saying“Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted.” That cuts to hear because of how true it is. Christ did not just pass these men by like so many others had done, but heard their cry and answered them. Often however, like the 9 lepers, we are too distracted by the joy of the blessings we receive that we forget where the blessings came from.

The blessings and temptations and afflictions that the Lord allows to enter our path are for our growth and development but if we don’t acknowledge what we already have with thanks and praise and glory to God, then we haven’t grown enough to allow the Lord to give us our next step. President Monson continued in his talk and said “To express gratitude is gracious and honorable, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live with gratitude ever in our hearts is to touch heaven.” This applies not only to our relationship with the Lord but to all the people around us that are constantly influencing us for good. Our mothers, fathers, uncles, aunts, grandparents, siblings, in-laws, spouses, friends, home teachers, visiting teachers and everyone in between. By beginning to express gratitude, we can give to those who bless our lives everyday a reflection of the love they have given to us already. By acting out our gratitude we can learn to love others more deeply in serving them as they have served us. But by living with gratitude in our hearts and in our actions daily, we can begin to understand that gratitude is not about expressing thanks, but about figuring out how to love.

Our Father’s greatest mission is the “immortality and eternal life” of us, his children. His greatest hope and desire is that each and every one of us here in this room will return to his presence in joy to progress eternally through the opportunity of having our own spirit children. There is a cycle that the Lord wants us to understand, that gratitude is not based on thanks. Gratitude is not something we think of just at Thanksgiving. Gratitude is built on, cemented in and one of the most important expressions of love we can give. Real. True. Christ given and Christ-like love. Our Lord, Jesus Christ, has done everything. He lived, he served, he worked, he suffered, he bled and he died for me and for you. For you. The words of my favorite hymn come to mind “What tongue my gratitude can tell, O gracious God of Israel. Never can I repay thee, Lord, But I can love thee.” When we are spent, when we are rejoicing, when we are content and when we are despairing, Jesus Christ commands us to love. “Love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul and with all with all thy mind” and “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” Learning to love others by giving thanks to them for the things they do and acknowledging their sacrifice brings us one step closer to being like our Father in Heaven. He does not look at us with disdain or contempt because of all the things we fail at, he looks at us with joy. Sometimes with a little exasperation but with an understanding that you are doing what you can. The best you can. All you can to follow the strait and narrow path back Home. Brothers and sisters, love those around you. Give them the benefit of hearing your thanks and feeling your love. 

I testify that gratitude is not just something for the holiday season but is for everyday of our lives as we learn to love like our Heavenly Father and Elder Brother love us. Allow the Lord to work in your life by giving thanks to Him everyday for the bounteous blessings He has given you already. By changing your thoughts towards thanks, the Lord will change your heart towards love. Turning God with gratitude and thanks “Make[s us] more worthy of [His] love, And fits [us] for the life above." I say these things in the name of our Redeemer and Healer, Jesus Christ, Amen.

Lift, Lighten and Love - The Internet and Influencing Others

Nothing astounds me more then observing people. Ordinary people in their natural habitats of school, work and home. I have plenty of time to do it: seeing and working with students on BYU campus as I walk to either one of my jobs, brainstorming with writers and social media experts at my internship at LDS.net Newsroom, getting letters from my sister on her mission in France, FaceTiming my family as we hurriedly plan my wedding for the end of the summer, doing scripture study with my fiancee over the phone before bedtime.

Like it or not, we are constantly influenced and changed by the people around us. The way I talk and act every day directly effects the day of another person. We have more power then we realize to influence the ordinary people in our lives. On the internet and in our personal interactions with others, we choose to be an influence for good in how we  act, behave and strive become more like our Savior Jesus Christ.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a church that embraces and loves to do missionary work in all it's many forms. More recently, discussions have been raised about how to conduct ourselves online as Latter-day Saints and how to respond to the earnest questions of both members and non-members. Whether it's sorting through your own thoughts or trying to clarify points discussed by others, the Church advices on LDS.org for it's members to maintain a spirit of love and understanding and keep their posts focused on Christ and his ideals. To post often about Gospel related topics or activities (Family Home Evening, YSA activities, etc.) and show how these have helped reaffirm and teach correct principles and doctrines concerning the Church. Use your words to explain your experiences and build people up. Even if it's just a funny thought, quote or picture, it's a light on the internet that can bring joy and hope to other who might just be having a bad day.Constantly check the wake you leave on social media and the internet, to see it has been used to celebrate the ideals shown to us by Jesus Christ gives us the power to do good by being good and loving the Lord.

When it comes to dealing with questions and the controversy that can come about because of them, The Church released a statement detailing how to break down these questions to their most basic form - a way to discover and reaffirm the truth that God has revealed to His prophets both ancient and modern. In the statement, it said,"At the heart of the conversation are matters of faith and doctrine. We believe these doctrines are given to us by God in simple ways: through scripture and through living prophets and apostles. If our personal goals go beyond what has been provided from those sources, we must ask ourselves whether we are we trying to change His Church to match our own perspective."

Being humble and teachable is essential to coming to a greater understanding of the gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ. It comes down to being willing to come to Christ. To forsake all else, including our determination to be "right". All the children of God--every single person on this earth--are eternal beings and deserving of all the charity, empathy and compassion we can give them. So give it. Give that love to others that your Heavenly Father has so freely given to you. Be a reflection of his perfect love to help light the way for those who may be lost on dark roads. Heaven't Father loves us in spite of ourselves. In spite of all our faults, weaknesses, and every moment we decided being right was more important then being a representative of the love of Christ and His gospel. In spite of every moment we thought we knew better then He, He loves us. That love has so much power to influence our fellowmen, restore the hope that's lost, lift the brokenhearted, lighten the heavy loads and love our Heavenly Father's children for everything they can, will and should be.

Ordinary people do extraordinary things. I see that everyday in the extraordinary people in my life. People who change and effect me every day with their selfless and unbiased love for me and the people around them. I see their works and strive for the goodness that they so humbly and habitually show. My mom who is successfully planning a wedding in 2.5 months flat. My fiancee who works from 8am to 10:00pm everyday and still stays up to read scriptures with me and talk about my day. My sister who puts her most precious beliefs on the line everyday in hopes of bringing joy to others. My co-workers who are dedicated to bring positive and powerful LDS content to the broader internet community. The students on BYU campus who are often the stereotypes of poor, starving college student and still putting their education first.

We have the chance to directly impact the people around, and even people worlds away from us, for the better. Show love. Be kind. Encourage hope. Foster discussion. But in all things, remember Christ and his power to love, to forgive, to strengthen and to rebuild. As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, His mission is ours. To minister to our fellowmen and to help them on the path to return to our Heavenly Father in everlasting joy. Bring joy to find joy. It's your opportunity and responsibility--so live it.

Moving forward!

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Can't Hold

Darkness isn't tangible.

Neither is wind.

Or Growth.

Or Spring.

Or Fall.

Or Falling.

Or Moving.

Or Reaching.

I can't hold onto what I do.

I can't hold onto my change. 

I can't hold onto myself.

So I move.

I try to keep up with what I can become.

So I give myself away. 

To friends. To family. To the present. To the future. 

To forever.

Living for them,

Living for Him fulfills me.

Then I become. Every single day.

I can't hold onto myself because I am His to give away.

I know.

I haven't written on here in a long time and I wish I did that more. I hope I'll be better.

Ha.

That last sentence just gets me.

I hope I'll be better.

I feel that everyday.

Every single day when I'm on campus at 7am reviewing Greek terms. Every time I get a terrible test score back. Every time I feel alone and in one of my "funks" that seem to just get me down for days. A hole I can't get out of. 

Then I read about people.

Whether it's blog posts or scriptures or hymns or just feeling their presence through the screen of my computer while they make me laugh while we talk about eternity.

My life is wonderful and it's wonderful because it's hard.

My schedule is full to bursting with to-do's and should-do's and things waiting to be planned.

Then there's the temple.

Then there's the Spirit of the Lord that fills me with light.

LIGHT.

Love.

Illumination.

Godliness.

Hope.

Tenderness.

Teaching.

Humility.

Giving.

Instruction.

Living.

LIGHT.

It doesn't end. 

I have spiritual mountains and plateaus but the difference isn't the light. The difference is me.

I am a finite vessel.
I am a finite broken vessel that I am constantly trying to patch up, repair, change, restore.

I am Kintsukuroi. For He repairs my cracks with gold.

My progress is slow. But I think it is steady.

And I think that is what matters most. 

Constant vigilance. Oh Harry Potter. Teaching me lessons for life. 

We steadily watch. I put one foot in front of the other through my wonderful, challenging life and keep moving forward.

Keep going towards the temple. Towards the eternity that is there and that I have felt in it's walls. 

The temple is a place where I go as a Latter Day Saint to remember where I come from,

why I am here,

where I am going.

I go there to build on a relationship that has been growing from eternity to eternity.

I go there to contemplate the power of having my family forever.

I go and see a glimpse of the joy I'll have very soon in being sealed into my own family.

I love light. 

Now I feel its warmth and how it guards and strengthens my soul.

My Heavenly Father loves me. My Elder Brother Jesus Christ loves me. My Mother loves me. My mom and dad and sisters love me. Caleb loves me. My friends love me. 

My heart is full of light and everything that contains. 

I am happy and eager and impatient. All the signs of being a 22 year old girl/woman/adult/what have you.

I love the Lord. I love the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that my life has been blessed in innumerable ways because of the knowledge I have gained. I know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God. I know it teaches true and everlasting principles of faith, trust, honor, honesty, hope, peace, power, charity, strength, the list is as eternal as the number of times we read and ponder them. I know that Joseph Smith was a true Prophet of God. That he was placed upon the Earth to help bring LIGHT to all nations. To help others see their God and to come unto Him where before they had been wandering in dark paths. I know that Joseph was not perfect because I know that the Lord uses imperfect people every single day to bring about His glorious miracles and other purposes. I know the Lord has a prophet on the Earth today, President Thomas S. Monson as a guide, counselor and helper in helping us know the will of our Father and how we can return to Him. Our Father wants to give us every resource and opportunity to choose Him. We are all finite, broken vessels that the Lord eagerly pours light into and we reflect that light to the world through our cracks. I know that the Atonement of Christ is real. I know that through His ultimate and eternal love and pain, I can be whole. I may have cracks but those are for me to give light to others. To lead them out of their holes because I have been there before and now I can give them a light to see the way by. I know forgiveness is not easy and repentance is even harder. But I know it is possible through Christ to come to know our Father again. Everyday I can be closer to Him and that it is my choice. I know that I came to this Earth to know of the Lord's love. I see that power of love in my family. In my Mom - working, my Dad - building, Caleb - loving, Abby - praying, Isabel - hoping, Olivia - expanding, Kate - encouraging. My aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, friends, acquaintances, strangers - I see the love my Heavenly Father has for them and it overwhelms me. 

How can He love so much?

How can I love so much?

How can I possibly expand to that without bursting?

I know how.

I am eternal. 

I lived with my Father before coming to Earth and I will live with Him when I die if I remain faithful.

I expand with every person that I meet and every trial that I face and every joy I gain.

I am stretched but never torn.

I am bent and never shattered. 

I am bent to His will. 

I know that my will, my commitments, my self, is the only thing I can give to my Father. So I will. 

Everything I am and hope to be I give to my Father because I know that He knows best how to shape me.

He sees my eternal self while I can get stuck in the suddenness of the present. 

I know. He knows. 

I grow and I grow.

I want you to know who you are. I want you to feel the power you have in having the Lord always on your side. 

We all have choices to make.

I know my choices are not always the right ones.

The most heart wrenching part is that I know that the Lord loves his children.

For that is what we are. We are His.

Yet I choose another when I abandon principles and doctrines and teachings that I know are His.

That never ending, never stopping, never ceasing Heart that beats in empathy with ours, breaks and He weeps to see His children--to see YOU wandering in those dark paths without the LIGHT He so eagerly wants for you to have.

How does He weep over you? Why does He weep?

He knows You.

You. The you that was, the you that is, the you that He knows you can be.

Father knows your soul, your heart, your hope, your weakness, your ALL.

Everything. Everything you ever wanted to hide and every time you wished to feel Him close.

All of you is yours to give. 

Giving yourself is not losing anything but gaining everything.

Everything you always hoped to be and wanted to be and worked to be and tried to be. 

Your Father will get you there. Get me there.
Because He loves you. Forever.
You are never alone.

I seem to have gone in lots of directions with this post but I feel the need to share what I know. I know my Father in Heaven is real, power, love, hope, strength, tears, forgiveness, empowerment, eternal.

I know and I testify in the name of Jesus Christ.

Amen.

Now my question to you is, what do you know?

Absence

So they say that cold is the absence of heat.
Dark is the absence of light.
Silence is the absence of sound.
But sadness.
Oh,
                 but,
                                                                      sadness.

Sadness can be simply put as the absence of happiness.
Simply put.
Too simply put.

There is hope in my sadness.

There is joy in my sadness.

Even sadness can be in happiness.

Sure, there is pain.
Sure, there is darkness.
Sure, there is ice.

Frustration. Impatience. Struggle.

But in there...

In there is heat.
In there, is light.
In there, is wonder.

I think that might be it.

Wonder
and
wondering
and
wonderful.

Sadness expands.
Caution is necessary.
Being overwhelmed is dangerous.
Being crushed is fatal.
But sadness expands.

Pushes.
                              Cracks.
            Unhinges.
                                            My innermost self beyond its capacity.

Loss. Helplessness. Rejection.
Wonder at these sorrows.
Wonder at my grief.
Wonder at the tossing unbalanced scale.
Wonder at tears.
                          My body's reaction.

The echoes of my sadness.

          Silence in tears.
                        Sound in sobs.

                                                Not bad though.
              Not injurious.

Poignant is heartbreaking.
Enduring is suffering.

Sadness is stagnant?
Sadness is unwinding?
Sadness is backpedaling?

Maybe.

Not always.

Sadness fluctuates.
It changes as much as I do.
I think that's why is hurts so much.
Constantly getting used to something new.
Someone new.
Somehow new.
It doesn't settle in us.
Numb pain does.

Absence is dangerous.

Just like cold.
Just like dark.
Just like silence.

Numb pain is absence.

But.

                                            Sadness is inner conversation.
                            Sadness is subtly luminous.
              Sadness is new noise.
Sadness is recognition of absence.

Not absence.
                                                     
                                                       Recognition.
                                                                                                               

                                                                     


                                                                                                                                     Sadness is strange.